Balls of Fury Review

While there is no shortage of bad, glitch-filled games on the market, only a few games are so bad that they are actually remembered and discussed based on their ability to suck. Superman 64 (N64), E.T. (Atari 2600), Night Trap (Sega CD), Elf Bowling (DS) and Drake of the 99 Dragons (Xbox) all fall into this category. Every gamer likes a game or two that most others hate, but the games I've listed here have literally no fans whatsoever (except for Night Trap…wasn't TV's Dana Plato topless in that one?). As long as there are video games coming out, there will always be new entries into this dubious club. The DS version of Balls of Fury, based on the movie of the same name, has just gotten its membership card.

One of my favorite one-liners ever comes from an episode of Beavis and Butthead. The line is simply, "No one should be given the chance to suck." Someone gave that chance to Black Lantern Studios, the people behind this awful game, and they took it and ran. Balls of Fury is easily one of the sloppiest, dumbest, most god-awful games I've ever had the unfortunate duty to play. The game is so unforgivable, I see writing this review less of a task and more of a public service; I might not be curing diseases here, but I am saving you 30 bucks and a whole boatload of buyer's remorse.

Not that it matters, but the game puts you in control of Randy Daytona, a washed-up pro Ping Pong player. Something bad happens to Randy's father when he's 12 years old, inspiring him to go after a criminal named Feng (played by Christopher Walken) to avenge his dad. If you are one of the four people who actually paid to see the movie, you already know this. If not, then yes, dear reader, it is just as stupid as it sounds.

Only a couple of years ago, Walken had a fever that could only be cured with "more cowbell," but now it seems that his diagnosis has gotten much, much worse. The actor's been in plenty of bad movies before, but at least some of them were mildly funny and/or entertaining (I'm mostly thinking of Joe Dirt, but I'm sure there are a few more). Balls of Fury isn't even stupid enough to be funny. Perhaps in the future, Walken should allow Jay Mohr or Kevin Pollack, both actors who do fabulous Walken impressions, to make his career decisions for him. They certainly couldn't screw things up any worse than he has.


Also reviewed on:
  •  · Wii