Raze’s Hell, to borrow from an old poke at the army, gives you the chance
to meet cute and cuddly fuzzy critters with a sunny disposition … and kill
them. Yep, here’s your chance to finally take out your frustrations on all of
the Kirbies, Yoshis, and Hello Kitties of the world for being so darn cute and
sweet. But are they really that sweet anyway? Isn’t it odd how Elmo and Barney
profess sweetness and love while simultaneously they are methodically working
their way into every corner of the globe through merchandising, television,
and other underhanded means? Is force-feeding the masses with cuteness for
their own good, whether they want it or not, really that far from Communist or
Nazi expansionism? In Raze’s Hell the answer to this question is a resounding
“no”!
 |
| Cute but deadly. |
Raze’s Hell’s cute critters in question are the Kewletts, which are
reminiscent of a cross between Teletubbies and teddy bears. With the best of
intentions their princess decrees that the Kewletts are just so darn cute and
happy that they owe it to the world to spread that cuteness and happiness to
all. Well as with all that is cute and cuddly they tend to overdo things, and
before too long they have built a powerful army to stamp cuteness on all that
is ugly and unhappy under the heels of their jackboots (the mention of
“jackboots” here is figurative, as Kewletts tend to run around in a state of
blissful nakedness and if they did indeed wear jackboots they would certainly
be pink and fuzzy).
This is the point at which our hero Raze enters the picture. To be blunt,
Raze ain’t cute. In fact, his whole race has evolved under millennia of
beatings by a large and persistent ugly stick. In spite of their beauty
handicap, Raze’s people are reasonably happy eking out an existence in their
ugly little village in its ugly little land. Until the Kewletts show up that
is. By the time they reach Raze’s people they are in a frenzy of
“cutification” and believe they are doing the terminally ugly a favor by
blasting them out of existence. At this point you may wonder if the developers
of the game wanted to make a brilliant allusion to the wave of fundamentalism
sweeping our world today or needed some sort of goofy excuse to let you loose
on a teddy bear killing spring. Let’s just give them credit for the former and
get on with the story. So back to Raze and his village which has been, well,
razed. Raze does what most of us would do if we saw a bunch of pink and purple
fuzzy things with big smiles and heavy weapons blowing up our neighborhood –
he gets the hell out of there. While heading for the hills, he stumbles across
a cavern in which is hidden an ancient artifact of his people. This transforms
him into a super whatever-he-is, capable of slicing and blasting anything
fuzzy. At this key moment he is approached by a fluttering odd demon-like
being whose tiny wings and pudgy body defy the physical laws of lift to mass
ratio. This demon seems very familiar with the Kewletts and for reasons he
keeps to himself seems to have it in for the little guys. He then takes Raze
under his little wing and serves as his guide and mentor in Raze’s quest to
stop the Kewletts once and for all.
OK, Raze has been transformed from an ugly skinny farmer into an ugly
pumped-up cutie-killer, what exactly can he do? First off, he’s a lot stronger
and can punch the stuffing out of any Kewletts he encounters. Secondly, he can
curl himself into a ball and roll across the landscape at high speeds, which
is a good thing considering his usual lazy gait. Also, if a Kewlett gets in
his way while rolling, the Kewlett will quickly become roadkill. In fact, this
can be an enjoyable way of dispatching of the little buggers as they will be
flung onto your screen with the splat of an insect hitting a windshield at 65
mph. Yep, Kewletts are cute and fuzzy on the outside, but wet and meaty on the
inside.
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