Meet Bilzarbra

Bilzarbra Smith

Interview by Garland Merriwether
Photography by Barnabas Savage

VITAL STATS

BORN: October 4, 1980
HOMETOWN: Bullionville, Utah
MAJOR: Communications
HEIGHT: 5’10”
WEIGHT: 130 lbs
MEASUREMENTS: 33-20-35
TURN-ONS: money, fame, Hayden Christensen
TURN-OFFS: false people, cold weather, Charlie Daniels
HOBBIES: waiting tables
FAVORITE MOVIE: Excess Baggage
FAVORITE TELEVISION SHOW: “Family Passions”
FAVORITE SONG: “Act Naturally” by Buck Owens & his Buckaroos
ROLE MODEL: Alicia Silverstone
FAVORITE FOOD: don’t eat
MARITAL STATUS: single

Lefty’s Too is on the wrong side of town. The façade of the Schwanstucker sex toys factory looms large over the shadowy neighborhood filled with burnt-out apartment buildings, adult theaters and sperm banks. I grasp my wallet tightly as I make my way through zoot-suited pimps, worn-down prostitutes and chain-and-leather clad street toughs.
Lefty’s isn’t quite the pleasant respite: the floors are littered with empty beer bottles, the grimy tables don’t look like they’ve been wiped down in months and the state of the restroom transcends mere description.

Bilzarbra stands by the bar, cellular phone at her ear, busily chatting with her agent. She’s dressed in a natty, teal waitress uniform, the sort you’d see in an Edward Hopper painting. She’s an attractive African-American girl with long, slender legs. In spite of her obvious beauty, there’s something synthetic about her: from her straightened raven hair to her button-nose to her impossible breasts. All this begs the question, after all these treatments and superfluous surgery: has man truly triumphed over nature?

Bilzarbra, I presume?
Oh… hey. Uh- what was your name again?

Garland. Garland Merriwether.
Oh yeah! So is this gonna be like in a glossy entertainment magazine? Y’ know like in the “Fresh Faces” or “Rising Stars” column?

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