By Brad Russell
It's been hard to ignore the fact that this movie has been canned by critics,
and just recently featured on many "worst of 2008" lists. But I left my mind
open and kept hope on the possibility this movie would be stupid fun. Stupid,
yes; fun, no.
Babylon A.D. directed by Mathieu Kassovitz, is based on the novel Babylon
Babies by French-born, Canadian writer Maurice G. Dantec. It's hard to imagine
the book's story is as bad as shown in the movie, but having watched the movie I
question how the screenplay ever received a green light. The main problem with
this movie is that it lacks focus, consistency, dialogue, and seems a few
slap-stick jokes away from being a Mel Brooks parody on hardcore sci-fi. Time
after time I found myself saying "what the heck?" Events happen that have zero
impact on the story, actions happen for no reason at all, and none of the events
are even interesting or pass as eye candy.
One example of this is the first action sequence. The main characters played
by Hollywood-established Vin Diesel, the unknown Melanie Thierry, and Michelle
Yeoh of Crouching Tiger fame, walk into a slum in some sort of abandoned factory
with several levels of shops, crowded with people, and a cage for MMA fighting
in the middle. Aside from a group of enemies that decide this time is the best
to appear, they and the main characters start fighting, with the two female
leads busting out what we can only speculate as Kung Fu, though the images look
more like they are dancing, badly. Of course Vin ends up in the cage and has to
fight the pink-haired giant to get out. But the whole sequence features
spotlights, acrobatics, Kung Fu, and in the end it turns out that the whole
thing didn't matter. As far as the story, the leads could have met the guy they
came to meet and left and that story path would have led to the same point as
the over-the-top fight. Not to go too off-topic, but it reminded me of Batman
and Robin. Unlike Batman and Robin, the action in this movie is not even
interesting as you watch it.
Beyond the action there is not much else. The story leads you to a conclusion
where you finally put the DVD back in the rental box and return it, quite
happily, to unload the burden. The images you see on the screen are not even
pleasant ones, with just images you dont want to be eating as you watch to
start and then a spot where you wonder why people are being slaughtered. I
applaud the production values in the visual effects, as I actually think the
special effects are at least near the cutting edge. Aside from the special
effects, not much else is nice to look at. The movie starts out in some ugly
slums, and why the place is so ruined and why the area is post-apocalyptic when
New York is just fine doesn't come off as some commentary on where the world is
heading, it just seems like another "what the heck?" moment that is never
explained. This movie is like an amateur version of the brilliant Children of
Men. In Children the action was much less frequent, but much more entertaining.
The similarities don't end there, but I don't want to spoil too many aspects of
either movie.
The characters are as weak as characters can possibly end up. The writing for
the characters' actions appear like the writing of an amateur; an up-and-coming
writer of short stories who thinks their action story is worth sharing to the
world and they never work on the characters in the story. The truth is that you
care for no one on the screen. When someone dies, when there is love, when there
is happiness, it really doesn't matter because you feel no connection to these
characters and have no idea where their motivations lie. For example you could
ask the question of why Toorop, Vin Diesel's character's name that sounds a lot
like the video game character Turok, was in the slums and then in a few minutes
agrees to this high flying adventure. The characters embody the ideas of a
writer who assumed these characterizations would portray deep and
highly-interesting characters. The fact that Toorop starts the movie with the
running gag of needing a light for his cigarette and then that joke ends soon
after, it seemed like that was where his characterization ended. You're left to
assume that "okay, he is a badass that needs to smoke and doesn't find happiness
unless he's smoking."
Michell Thierry as the highly peculiar Aurora does the best she can with what
little she is given. Her attitudes and behaviors however do not stay consistent
and you don't know whether to sympathize with her or just wish she was dead
already. Michelle Yeoh as Sister Rebeka does all she can, but remains
unconvincing as a Kung Fu nun to say the least. At any time there are about five
different bad guys and for the "main" bad woman you really don't know what
becomes of her. The conflict of good and evil doesn't come off well, not to
mention you don't know the motivation of any faction other than the one that
enters the movie for the final 30 minutes or so. Even if the movie is somehow
setting up for a sequel, it ends with unknown fates of pretty much anyone left
alive. To say the movie ends is putting it nicely because a more fitting way to
describe the ending is to say the movie stops, which no one will protest the
fact that the movie stops.
One thing Babylon A.D. shows is how the simple keys to story-making actually
work. The main rule is to have conflict, and for the majority of the movie you
have no clue who is attacking the characters or why. Another basic rule is not
to info-dump information in one place, and that is done at the end of this
movie, to set up the final set of bad guys, reveal who Aurora is, and show why
someone has changed from being dead to being alive, two people in a way. There
is the key of making each event progress the story, where this story is only
advanced in the last half of the movie, if you call that advancement. And
finally to have compelling dialogue that fits each character, but the dialogue
in this movie seems to have been stolen from other slightly better movies. Bland
characters don't help, but having the previous keys covered usually makes for
interesting viewing of any movie.
There is no reason to see Babylon A.D. other than to see the Slednecks video
footage in the special features, and even then you would be far better served to
just rent those videos. Not even the sparse future-tech is even worth seeing,
but that is the only thing you will remember if you happen to see this movie.
From the special features you could appreciate the movie-making process, and
applaud the people behind this movie for their love of what they do. But in the
end, Babylon A.D. will remain an example of what any movie will look like for
following a poor story.
Final Rating:
