By Jason Nimer
AI must have had Carnation Instant Crazy for breakfast this morning. See,
I've been watching the Shout! Factory release of the first 13 episodes of a
series that, I promise you, exists: Ninja Turtles: The Next Mutation. The
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have been imagined and re-imagined tons of times
since the underground Eastman/Laird comic (which rules, by the way; pick up the
anthology and prepare to be amazed) and the seminal '80's animated series, but
out of all those franchise reboots, none comes even close to the insanity I've
witnessed in this two-disc set. Even the Image Comics limited series that saw
Donatello blown to bits and recreated as a half-cyborg and Raphael taking over
leadership of the Foot Clan seems tame and rational compared to this series of
half-hour hallucinogenic fever dreams.
Like the three original TMNT theatrical films, Ninja Turtles: The Next
Mutation is completely live-action. It worked in those films, it does not work
here. Cheesy effects punctuate every scene, overacting is rampant and the
turtles themselves are just plain unsettling, resembling the swollen offspring
of the Creature from the Black Lagoon and the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man. Master
Splinter, the turtles' sensei and giant rat, is the worst and most terrifying of
all, moving in unnatural, twitchy ways that call to mind a Ray Harryhausen
creation. Beyond that, it is all kinds of little things that make this show so,
well, just plain wrong. Michelangelo does not wield his trademark nunchuks, nor
does Leonardo have his dual katana. Some of the turtles headbands aren't
headbands at all; they are TuPac skullcaps in the trademark day-glo colors. The
Foot Clan warriors' costumes look like the laziest kind of cosplay. But worst of
all, a fifth turtle has been added to this befuddling mess: Venus de Milo, the
first female ninja turtle. I'll let that sink in for a moment. For turtle
purists, all this stuff goes down about as well as an oregano milkshake. Yuck.
Oh, but there is more. By straddling the line between sacrilege and sick
joke, Ninja Turtles: The Next Mutation wears out the part of the brain that
experiences shock very quickly, meaning that a kind of glaze hits viewers and
makes every subsequent assault on the senses a little easier to take. I'll
explain: Once you've managed to wrap your mind around the constant attacks on
your childhood, the weirder aspects of the show pass without incident. Seeing a
fifth turtle (no, it doesn't matter it is a 'she,' it matters because there have
always been just four turtles) somewhat lessens the impact of the series
featuring an army of walking, talking dinosaur bad guys who look like rejects
from the Matthew Broderick version of Godzilla. Seeing Leo without his weapons
softens the introduction of an Asian female vampire, whose heart was ripped out
1,000 years ago, mind you, and yet somehow still manages to cause trouble for
the turtles. After 13 episodes of this stuff, I'm still speechless. I have
absolutely no idea where to file this rendition of the turtles in my brain, and
you probably won't either.
On the bright side, Shout! Factory really upped the ante on this release.
Most of their DVD releases are visually restored from their original versions to
about a B+ grade, but Ninja Turtles looks amazing. The picture is cleaned up
very nicely, and the sound matches the new visual quality benchmark. Keep up the
good work, guys! I'd love to see this kind of treatment given to season sets of
classic shows like Heathcliff, Garfield and Friends, or Inspector Gadget; lesser
known shows like David the Gnome, Lost Cities of Gold, the Noozles or Belle and
Sebastian (the animated show, not the wuss rock band of the same name) would
also be deserving recipients of this five-star DVD upgrade.
The last thing I'll mention is that this series originally ran for 26
episodes, and 13 of them are presented on this DVD. I swore I was going to cool
off on my 'release TV shows on DVD as complete seasons or don't release them at
all' mantra, but the break here is especially inopportune. In the order the
episodes originally aired, episode 13 was the start of a five-part saga. To
avoid splitting that up, the 17th episode is incorrectly presented as number 13.
Seems to me it would have been easier to just release all 26 episodes at once,
rather than fiddling with the episode order. Maybe the reasons are just beyond
my grasp, but this kind of swapping is inexcusable. Just ask any Dragon Ball Z
fan who suffered through the Cartoon Network and Pioneer years and wait for the
nerd explosion.
I know this is a review for Ninja Turtles: The Next Mutation, but I want to
steer you toward something else. I assume, if you are reading this, that you are
an existing turtle fan. If so, stay the hell away from this series. Instead,
check out a made-for-TV animated movie called TMNT: Turtles Forever. Originally
airing in 2009, the movie follows the most recent (until now, the new and
promising Nickelodeon series starts very soon) incarnation of the turtles as
something crazy happens with space or dimensions or something. This drags the
original version of the turtles, in gritty black and white, the 80's turtles,
with big eyes and wisecracks and the current turtles into the same world, and it
is sight to behold. The gritty turtles are ready for action while the 80's team
only wants to crack unfunny jokes and eat disgusting pizza. The idea is
brilliant and hilarious, the execution is spectacular and the film should be
required viewing for every turtle fan, past and present. So, yeah. Go watch that
and skip over this late 90's live-action oddity. You'll thank me later.
Final Rating:
